I wanted to share a piece of Kate from her last few days…that I have been reflecting on the past couple weeks and especially during this holy week that has led us to Easter Sunday.
On March 15th, after the first of a few extremely exhausting and tormenting nights for Kate, post-op in the hospital, a few days after getting her adrenal glands removed... I needed to start staying overnight with her - trying to help her get or stay comfortable, be her 24/7 advocate with the nurses and Drs and most importantly, just be with her, near her, so she was constantly reminded that she wasn't alone, that nobody was giving up… Not me, not the kids, not her family, not her friends and not the Doctors or nurses… She needed every rope pulling in the same direction to trust that she could get through the mental and physical agony of what she was enduring in those last weeks… and more specifically that night - what she began to consider a torture chamber of a hospital room… it was an extremely small in-patient room and she felt it was closing in on her more and more with each passing day that she had to remain hospitalized.
That night the Nurses and Dr.’s noticed some light bleeding/oozing around her surgical wounds, her blood levels indicated she would require some urgent transfusions throughout the night to help increase her platelets and hemoglobin blood counts. She was alone, in a lot of pain and was getting worried about her critical blood levels again… everyday there were constant battles and what we called, sucker punches, that were gut wrenching, fear and axiety provoking reminders all around her of how serious and frightening her situation was becoming, but this night in particular, the mounting circumstances were trying to push her to a breaking point… she couldn’t get any sleep from 11pm to about 6:30am and her lack of sleep was only intensifying the very difficult circumstances we were facing each day.
So the following night, (after I received permission to remain with her overnight) we were awakened by a nurse who was instructed to give Kate another round of platelet transfusions… Several minutes later, as she tried to stay calm, mentally and spiritually strong - she just started saying something that I thought was a short simple prayer she heard or learned somewhere recently. She started saying this aloud a few times:
"Jesus Restore My Soul;
Holy Spirit take Control"
I said, “Wow, I haven’t heard that before; I really like that.” I asked her where she learned it and she replied, "myself"… "I just made it up". I said, "Wow Kate! Really, right now?!? I really like that." It was perfect for the situation - simple, short, yet so powerful
She was half awake, in so much angst and trying to quell the the physical, mental and emotional turmoil that has been surging the past couple of weeks, but even more so with each passing day. She was in an on-and-off again meditative and frightened, anxious state…But, from that point forward, we used that simple yet powerful prayer to help us through the next 8 days, as she continued to fight so damn hard for her life against the array of complications from the cancer that were trying to ravage her body. While at the same time, she had to begin to contend with the increasing possibility that her remaining time here with us wasn't long.
I will always refer to this as, "Kate's Prayer" and use it at times when I need God's solace, his consolation, protection, strength… when I need to feel his love, his grace, his embrace. Not only is it a poignant reminder that the Lord is our Shepherd (Psalm 23) and to come to him when we are weary (Matthew 11:28) … but it’s also a strong reflection of strength and faith… through all of Kate's overwhelming burdens and intense suffering, at those times where she was most afraid - she still held onto an unbreakable hope and trust… and she persevered by her faith that God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit would grant her healing, rest and peace according to his will that would be done. And through his unending, love, grace, his divine mercy - he granted her rest, peace and healing for all of eternity in paradise with him.
Let this be a vivid reminder of Kate's strength, her pillar was her hope and faith, while staring down the face of fear - that if she can do this at the toughest of times - then we are all capable of trusting God - opening our hearts to Jesus and his endless love, grace and mercy.
Amen!
