Final Chemo Cycle

My final cycle of chemo started on time! It was a miracle. I wish I could attribute it to the injections I mentioned in last post but I was only able to take two injections because of an allergic reaction.  I am beginning to think that cancer enjoys messing with its patients, its a real son of a bitch. The injections I was supposed to use to boost neutrophils contained 0.025mg Polysorbit 80, Yep the same preservative I reacted to on chemo cycle one. I know this because after my second injection I experienced that same sharp twinge in my spine quickly followed by burning and pressure in my chest. I quickly grabbed the paperwork on the medication and saw right on page one.... Polysorbit 80 0.025mg 🤦🏻‍♀️.  For three hours I had some swelling of my tongue, mild shortness of breath and chest burning. Make no mistake this was not even on the same level as my reaction at Mayo but considering it did not happen with the first injection and that I was expected to give 8 more injections we decided it would be best to not continuously expose myself to the preservative. My oncologist and I discussed the reaction and he was able to find a very old medication that is reconstituted (a powder that can be mixed with saline) and does not contain Polysorbit 80. I go for labs on Friday to see when I would start those to protect me during this last phase.

I am still uncertain why I could not just use the medication he initially wanted to give me that was long acting.  That medication, Nupagen, only contained 0.05mg of the preservative and was injected only one time. Why could I not premed with steroids and Benadryl 1 day and get the injection? Even if it is a long acting secretion of medication, over the course of say 10 days I will only be getting 0.005 per day. I dont know. 

All that being said, I am happy to announce that on Sunday June 14 I took my last chemo medication. As everything else these days it was very anti climatic. (Although hats off to mom for bringing a bell for me to ring on the front porch!) Even in the office on Friday as I completed my infusion it was just another day.  I never formed the relationships people talk about when they go through cancer treatments- for two reasons, isolation from Corona and the fact that I had half my treatments in MN and the other half here. There was no tight bonds formed with other patients, nurse, or staff. No one in the office really even knew who I was or that I was getting my last treatment. I was kind of a "guest patient". In fact,  If I didn't ask about ringing the bell, I would have just walked out without any acknowledgement of my “completion” of chemo. Top that off with the fact that my last infusion was just the start of my last cycle of treatment. I still had two more days of chemo, just at home, and with tablets. It is weird, very weird.  In just shy of 6 months I fell
ill, was hospitalized twice, had surgery to remove the tumor, had 23 days of radiation therapy with 46 beam treatments and 12 days of chemotherapy all during a global pandemic. I spent almost all of Februrary, March and April in Rochester, MN (not New York Michelle 😂)  and just like that it is "over".

I never thought that there would be so many emotions to chemo ending. How can I have any emotion other than joy at a time like this? I must be a complete head case to not just be ecstatic to have reached the finish line. Why would tears of so many emotions other than just joy surge through my veins at a time like this?  I am guessing it is because for everyone else, its "over" and for me (or anyone going through this) the journey does not end, only the road..... the battle was conquered but what about the war?  Yes, yes, yes radiation is complete. Yes, there is no more chemo.  Yes treatments ARE done but holy hell so much is just starting. The final cycle of chemo is a tough one and takes longer then the others to bounce back from. Then there is the recovery phase, and not just physically-  mentally, emotionally, and spiritually! For those six months I was in survival mode, living with my sympathetic nervous system's fight mode in full throttle. I know I have a ton of emotions to work through and will continue to work through as I face the next five years of screening. Once again, Im not talking about this for sympathy....its healing for me and I hope, God forbid, if anyone reading this has to go through cancer treatments they will remember this entry and know they are not crazy for having to work through so many emotions at the “END”.

 I remember that when I first started this blog I talked about how this cancer would not define me, it was not going to be who I was.  I thought it was something I could go through and then move on from. I was wrong. There is no way to go through everything I have been through and it not define you. Not shape you. Not be with you always. I can only hope that my journey has shaped me into a better person, a better nurse, a better disciple of Jesus.  I only hope that my message has been heard and that someones life will be changed because of it.

 Despite all that 2020 has handed us  I am truly so grateful to all my prayer warriors, card senders, gift givers, blog readers, texters/ face-timers, and callers. Grateful to My pen pals when I was in MN, bracelet wearers near and far, grocery shoppers and meal makers.  I am incredibly thankful to the medical staff at Mayo Clinic for diagnosing, removing and treating this crazy cancer. I am Beyond blessed  for the beautiful friendships I have in my life, for the divine intervention we experienced on so many occasions .....and naturally for my amazing Husband, children, family and of course my parents who gave up there lives and stayed in VA for five months to help us and watch the kids while we were back and forth to MN.  💗💗

It seems about right that my chemo now ends on the same weekend as the school year ends! I am so proud of what my kids were able to accomplish despite being in a new school and facing the Obstacles of covid & my cancer, as well as my absence. D finished 10th grade with >4.0 GPA and Rylie finished 8th grade with all As!   The new friends they have made (and of course their old gems) have been gifts from God through this. ☺️ 

As you know, I missed Dylans Kellam swim season, NHS induction and his 16th birthday.... but he was NEVER without support from friends, and that is a beautiful thing! 

From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU! Like I said The journey remains long but this road is done! For now we smile at what WE overcame together and continue to pray that I stay in remission!And of course, keep finding a way to laugh along the way! 99 giggles is good medicine.   

May 22- June 1: Cycle Three

After a week's delay, cycle three was able to happen on May 22, 23, and 24! It was lonely not having Eric there with me. Not that we talked all day or played games during the other treatments but he was there to kiss my head, hold my hand, crack a joke,etc. I was certainly in the treatment room the longest of anyone that day so it was a good thing i was advised by the nurses which chair was the best. I was the first patient there and the last one to leave! Not sure what all the other patients were having done but it seemed like they would show up, have a snack and leave! The second hardest part about sharing a treatment room…… wearing a mask for seven hours straight! Kinda gross! 🤢 In any event…. the nurses were great and my doctor stuck to the Mayo plan right down to how they gave me my pre and post fluids. I had the usual nausea, bone pain and fatigue but it did not seem much worse than the first two cycles so thats good. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My oncologist decided that since my neutrophil levels had dropped so much, and even more than after cycle two that we would proceed with injections to boost bone marrow production prior to the next cycle. Naturally the insurance did not want to cover the more expensive long acting med that I mentioned in my last post, since I had not “tried and failed” on a daily injection first. So we get to play there game again. The problem is that With short acting daily injections we need to know when to start them. Last week I had to go for the first of tri weekly blood tests to catch the day my neutrophils start declining. At that point I will start giving myself daily injections in hopes that my neutrophils do not go to zero again and that My last cycle of chemo will not be delayed! My neutrophils on Friday were (not surprising, mine drop about a week after they are “supposed” to) good but my hemoglobin and hematocrit were lower than they had been throughout all this. Always something right?! 

Despite having multiple scans and blood work the past six months, I still have go for my routine cancer screenings and today was my well women exam! The fun never ends!l I gave the lab at the gynecologist office a good scare when they checked me for anemia this morning!  Although not at transfusion level yet.... I dropped even more from Friday and I am sitting pretty at 9! (Normal hgb level for female is 12-16)

Hemoglobin is the protein inside red blood cells. It carries oxygen. Red blood cells also remove carbon dioxide from your body, transporting it to the lungs for you to exhale. Low levels of hgb cause shortness of breath, rapid heart rate, dizziness and fatigue. 

On a positive note my sodium is still rocking out between 138 and 141. My GYN was fascinated with my diagnosis and had a ton of questions. She too had never heard of this cancer.  She was so super kind and empathetic! When we met in her office she inquired about my emotional and mental health with everything.   

These questions are not uncommon for me. Every appointment at mayo started with “How is your emotional health and well being?” “Do you feel stressed or anxious?” Even at the new oncology office they always assess for depression and mental health. 

 I am not sure she believed me when I said was doing really good. I tried to explain (in not so many words) that I am aware that there are stages of dealing with a diagnosis of cancer and that the most important one now  is not Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression or Acceptance, Its Survival! There is plenty of time later for all the Real stages. But now its survival mode! Push through! Fight or flight! Whatever you want to call it, but its the not lay down and take stage!

 The truth is I am ok, because if I weren’t then cancer would win. Sure I have some bad moments! I had one this weekend over my hair.....I miss my hair!  I went to “brush it off my shoulder” and tuck it behind me ears multiple times the past few days and it was not there 😔. (However.... snap chat filters are super fun when bald!) I miss my energy! Yes I walk everyday and keep busy because it helps with the pain and nausea but I do end up having to take little power naps just to get through the day. And lately I worry, which is new. Its not an agonizing debilitating worry, its a ‘oh hey wait a second’ worry about the cancer reoccurring and That is just silly because I know the only thing to fear in life is fear itself. With lack of information and research available on my cancer we were never given statistics on survival and recurrence we were just assured that with surgery, radiation and chemo I am expected to do very well and live cancer free. They did say the longer we go without recurrence the less likely it will reoccur. 

I suppose to answer my GYNs question, we will see how “ok” I actually am through all this in July or August or maybe September after my first post treatment scans. 🤔 

Blah. Blah. Yada yada yada! Tomorrow I go for more blood work to A. Check my hgb and B. See if my neutrophils are on the decline yet. More info to follow! PS.... cant believe I have been home for a month already!!!!!!

Chilling alone for cycle 3

Finally out to dinner!

Snap chat fun

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